Why

Of course, living as humans, we cannot just watch the light on a garden. We have to go to the bathroom, plan, and sometimes do the work necessary to understand the present by reflecting on the past. Yet, we can choose not to fill up every available space assessing what has been or planning for what will come next.  

Children ask “why” to inquire and learn in the present moment. As thought, understanding, and observation merge, the child wants to know more and “why” is the go-to place. It’s a catch all question that includes “who, what, where, when, and how.” 

As adults, we should answer “Why” to the extent of the child’s interest or until we do not know and then ask to pause to do research and move on. And we should always be honest about what we do and don’t know. 

Trying something like this: 

“I understand why you are asking that question. I, too, would ask about that and probably did when I was your age. I don’t know everything and that’s okay. Knowing everything is not our job. We can find out what we can and accept what we don’t know. I like to think that I’m trying to solve a mystery and look for clues. I don’t know everything, and I’m ok even if I don’t know everything.”

Adults ask “why” to reflect, to understand, and plan so that we can make choices, feel safe, and have agency. 

The Child Self, by contrast, asks “Why do I feel this way, why am I so reactive” to show us what is injured and needs to be understood and taken care of from the past. The Child Self’s “why” is often unanswerable because we cannot always be sure of the motivations of the adults who raised us. When the Child Self asks “why,” it is often a call to be taken care of, to be accepted, and to be protected. Understanding the Child Self’s “why” can reveal what underlies our Adult Self’s actions and reactions. 

We live in a culture that overvalues thinking, so when adults ask “why,” we tend to see it as the only consideration of significance. Focusing on “why” engages our thinking functions and takes us away from being in the moment. Like the Child, the Adult Self and the Child Self need to spend time in the moment, the pure experience of just being, without understanding “why.” We do not have to answer every time we wonder “why.”

Like everyone I know, I have spent much of my adult life in the next or the previous moment, often wondering why. Being in the present is easier for the young child, like being in the bathtub absorbed in the bubbles, toys, and magic of water. Now, as an adult, when I experience the magic of something new, such as traveling to other places, meeting new people, and visiting new biomes, I can often be in the moment.  However, in the routines of my daily life, it takes conscious effort to stay in the moment. I am easily and automatically drawn to thinking about “what happened before this, what should I do next, and why.” 

Staying out of the why—“why” “Why did I do that, Why did my Child do that, Why did my Child Self feel that”—and staying in the present moment requires a paradigm shift. 

The value of being in the moment ties into many belief systems and practices, such as mindfulness, Buddhism, Taoism. Even if you don’t connect to these belief systems, you can find value in the experiential richness of being present in the moment. It helps us release from the stress, anxiety, pressure, overworking, impatience, anger, and all the difficulties of what came before and what’s to come. Being in the moment hones our abilities to protect ourselves and think clearly. And experiencing life in the present is a value unto itself. 

Being and staying in the now, however, requires practice. This is the purpose of practicing mindfulness. As an exercise, I suggest spending the day noticing the light shifting in one flowerbed. Notice how the light emerges in the early hours and hits the flowers and the rocks. Then notice the full, midday light on the petals and the shadows that emerge as the world turns. Note the change in colors. Of course, in between noticing you will eat, run, play, work, wash, argue, spill things, and even talk about the next day’s activity. But in those captured moments, you will be standing only in relationship to the now. Don’t draw or journal about what you see or write poems or inquire into the science. Don’t ask why. It can be liberating. 

Imagine how it might feel to your Child Self, or your Child, if for moments each day, you practiced standing in the moment only. In those moments you would be able to see them truly, support them wholly, celebrate them without attachment to the past or the future, without judgment, without expectation, without the why. 

For me, this practice is a way to return to the birth of my little self, when there were no expectations or changes required of me, just the moments of comfort when I experienced what was outside and inside of my skin without thinking.

Of course, living as humans, we cannot just watch the light on a garden. We have to go to the bathroom, plan, and sometimes do the work necessary to understand the present by reflecting on the past. Yet, we can choose not to fill up every available space assessing what has been or planning for what will come next. 

Therefore, with your Child and your Child Self, when “why” is dominating it can be a good practice to say: 

“Let’s just watch the bee for a moment and later we can ask later why it flies and what it will do next”. 

©D'vorah Horn 2025. We invite you to share this work, but please do not copy any portion without attribution to D'vorah Horn.