Advice and "Shoulds"

Your child is not your legacy. What they do and choose is theirs. Your Child Self is not here to carry the legacy of your parents and their expectations. 

Throughout our lives, we receive messages about what we “should” be, do and feel from our parents, teachers, peers, community, and popular culture, without regard to whether the “shoulds” are right or good for us.  Too often, these “shoulds” are grounded in anxiety, insecurity, judgment, hierarchical power over, and do not support the True Self, even if delivered with good intentions.  We are inundated with “shoulds” and must forgive ourselves when we realize that we, at times, are driven by them.

As parents, we need to cultivate consciousness of when we are about to communicate, or have communicated, “shoulds” to our Child and Child Self. It’s important that we avoid putting these “shoulds,” whether from the dominant culture or our own beliefs, above the child’s feelings. We want our Child and Child Self to learn that their feelings “are of first importance in [their] perceptions of reality and that [their] perceptions can be relied upon.”  Only in this way can they build trust and confidence in themselves and their own sensibilities. 

One of the most common ways we communicate “shoulds” is in giving advice. Unsolicited advice can be and can feel like an act of aggression. There are simple practices that can shift this dynamic in important ways. 

No matter the age of the Child you are raising, you can ask them what they need and want before giving unsolicited advice and perpetuating the “should” cycle. You do not even need language to do this. Begin with a “pause,” that is, wait before reacting, watch, and observe the Child carefully, and then respond as if the question has been asked and answered.  When you pause, you give yourself room to assess whether your advice and direction is truly needed or desired. Having paused and observed, it becomes easier to say:

 “I have advice to give, do you want it?” and “I will try my best not to expect you to follow my advice.”

When tending to the Child Self, this becomes more challenging. As a child, you may have experienced the blows of uncontained and unsolicited advice. Your parents’ own injuries and needs may have transformed into feelings of inadequacy. As a result, they may have reacted out of their internalized voice of “should.” Ask yourself whether you are hearing that echo in your own self-talk. 

For instance, when you hear yourself say “I should,” ask whether you are responding to the needs of your True Self and then tend lovingly to the Child Self: 

“Little one, I hear you scorning yourself with what you think you should have done. I want to reassure you that you do not need to judge yourself. You can be curious about what you need, what has happened, and what is to come.” Leave “should” by the wayside, it never reflects who you truly are.” 

When I was 48, my father was 85—a 37-year difference. I called him daily, checked in, made small talk, and sometimes went a bit deeper. On one occasion, I told him of a problem I was facing, looking for a compassionate ear.  I told him about a former business debt that had found its way back to me. I was uncertain about what to do and anxious about the situation. 

For a microsecond, he resisted his urge give advice, but then it flowed. 

I knew it came, in part, from a place of protective love. Yet, I also knew that it came from my father’s own profound insecurity and mistrust of others as well as his ego’s desire to feel needed and worthy. 

He began: “As a successful businessman with many years of experience, let me tell you what you should have done and what you should do now.”  It did not matter whether the advice was valuable or whether I would have followed it. When he gave me his advice without asking whether I wanted it and framing it in “should,” he left me, my Child Self, feeling wrong and inadequate. 

He then wrapped his advice in his mistrust of others, which he had conveyed to me my whole life: “No one is going to come through for you, you have to do everything on your own, trust no one, make everything happen for yourself, and control everything.” His internalized fear-based belief system reinforced his self-doubt in his own ability to navigate the world effectively and safely. This sensibility was channeled to me in his advice, his “shoulds.” 

Nevertheless, his advice was not completely off-base. He was encouraging me to be independent and cope on my own, to be less dependent on others in unhealthy ways, and to be freer from coercion and control by outside forces. Indeed, this fierce drive towards independence and competence is the natural starting place for child development. 

So, what went wrong? Along with speaking out of his insecurity and distrust, he gave his advice out his own need to feel safe, important, complete, and capable. He could only fill this need by feeling better, wiser, and more successful than others. He had to make a show of his competence, of his ability to see around the corners, and do everything for himself.  His advice became about his ego and not about its usefulness to me. I was left feeling even more anxious, inadequate and even abandoned.

Your child is not your legacy. What they do and choose is theirs. Your Child Self is not here to carry the legacy of your parents and their expectations. When advice is couched in “should,” the interaction becomes one of projection. The Child Self and the Child will ask themselves: “Can I fulfill these expectations so that I won’t fail?” It is not surprising when the Child Self and the Child tune out and take off to parts unknown, leaving the parent confused or chasing after them. After all, the parents were just “trying to help”. 

When feeling the urge to give advice, pause, be conscious a moment, then ask: 

“Do you want my advice or do you want me to listen?” 

What a difference this makes. It can transform an ego-based, self-focused, possibly an act of aggression into an act of support, respect, and acceptance of the Child and Child Self. This helps them build trust and confidence in their own instincts and choices.