Changing Challenging Behaviors

There is no need for rigidity. The spider weaves its web with the same amazing technology and never varies from it, but each web is unique to each situation. Setting and following through on limits is about being reliable and flexible. 

Over the years, I’ve often been asked the question: “How do I discipline my child or correct and redirect their behaviors?” In response I have tried to reframe the underlying challenge as: “How do I respect and guide the Child to be part of society without compromising the Child’s True Self?” For the Child Self, the question is: “How do I keep my Child Self happy when the adult world has always tried to dictate how I’m supposed to behave and as a result I have had trouble knowing what my true needs and desires really are?” 

The Child Self and the Child are profoundly sensitive to how they are treated when they are being corrected or given limits. When correcting behavior, parents too often use judgmental language and even ridicule, treating the Child as if they are inadequate or ignorant, thereby damaging the Child’s self-esteem and capacity for self-discipline. Both the Child and the Child Self need to be listened to, to be seen for who they are, to receive appropriate limits in order to feel safe, to be considered capable of making choices, and finally, to be given a chance to change. 

Life has limits that occur naturally. We don’t go over a cliff without the right repelling gear. A family can have a dinner time that everyone has to show up for without requiring those who are not hungry to eat. Setting limits that are appropriate for the situation are the best kind. A family job chart is better than a constant nagging reminder. 

As adults we set deadlines for projects to give ourselves boundaries for our efforts.  Even though we can change them, they are a commitment to ourselves. Grounding ourselves in natural limits can release the Adult from judging both the Child Self and the Child. 

Sometimes we need to test limits to know where they are—children do this instinctively. This provides them with the best opportunities to learn the lessons of our social world. They can accept the lessons or challenge them—sometimes the limits need to change.  

As adults, it is helpful to remember how we were disciplined when we tested limits. This can help us discern whether we are making a choice that’s right for us today or whether we are rebelling or reacting to an early life experience. It is worth the effort to discover the roots of our reactions, understanding that we can’t always find them. 

How do we figure out what needs a healthy limit?  It starts by asking three key questions: 

• Is the behavior harmful to the Child or my Child Self? 

• Is it harmful to others? 

• Is it harmful to the environment or our surroundings? 

When we ask these questions and listen to the answers, we are more likely to find the natural limits that will serve the Child and the Child Self. In addition, we will increase the capacity to feel safe and secure within limits and still be able to take constructive, creative risks.

What you might tell your Child: 

“The rule is no throwing hard things in the house. I know you want to throw that block and see what happens, so let’s find a safe place to do it, where no one can get hurt and nothing can get broken.”

What you might say to the Child Self: 

“No one let you ‘throw the blocks,’ (metaphorically speaking) it wasn’t what they wanted you to do. But they never helped you understand why or told you why they took the blocks away. They never gave you an alternative. Now you have no idea what you really want to do. I will find you someplace to safely ‘throw the blocks’, and I won’t let you hurt yourself, anyone else, or anything else.”

There is no need for rigidity.  The spider weaves its web with the same amazing technology and never varies from it, but each web is unique to each situation. Setting and following through on limits is about being reliable and flexible. If you have a rule of no phones at the table, don’t bring yours. But if there is a reason to let it happen, let happen.  

The most useful expression I learned in my early years of teaching is this: “No opponent, no battle.” This notion is far reaching. So much of the conflict we have with children and other adults is based upon a power struggle. Often when we can’t stop the impulse towards a power struggle, it is because when we were children and tested boundaries, we experienced power over us, uncomfortable engagement, judgment, or neglect, but not resolution. As adults, we continue to act on behalf of the Child Self who feels like they must win to know who they are and feel secure. 

Raising the consciousness of the Child Self might sound something like this: 

“I get it, Little One, you want to win. There is no need to fight or to win, you will be safe; there are other ways to get what you want. This is my job I will take care of it.”

One of the best ways to help the Child Self and the Child change difficult or challenging behaviors is to become an observer. Dr. Maria Montessori taught that we need to “shed our omnipotence”  in order to observe. We need to watch carefully to see the source of the challenges and remind ourselves that things can change. If we observe and ask the three questions, we will know what and how limits need to be set. When choosing a limit to work on or work with, start small, plan a strategy, and stay positive. Breaking patterns can take time.

When you recognize the Child’s efforts at changing their behavior, you will also mitigate conflict and build a positive relationship to a boundary or limit. The same is true with the Child Self. 

Try a simple act of recognition. 

“I see how hard you are working to listen to the rule, I like that you have questions about it. It’s still important to follow what has been asked of you.” 

“You made a positive choice today without needing reminding.” 

In the chapter “Affirming,” there is additional language you can use to support the self-assurance needed to accept a limit, boundary, or correction to behavior.  

Watch your inner and outer language when attempting to change a behavior in the Child or the Child Self. Simple phrases make a difference. Don’t provide a choice where there is none (say “dinner time,” not “dinner time, ok?”). Good communication is clear, but not harsh.  

Sitting at the dinner table, an 8-year-old girl is asked by her grandparent: “Do you really want to eat that?” In defiance or shame or compulsion, the girl hastily shovels in some mashed potatoes as quickly as she can. The grandparent reacts: “Why did you do that?” adding “A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” As an adult, this 8-year-old girl will try to diet and will fail repeatedly, hearing the critical voice telling her that she is a failure and not the voice of her Adult Self, rising up and treating her Child Self with acceptance and compassion. 

Making a life-affirming choice takes time. When we clearly establish what has to happen or change, and prioritize what is most important, we have to allow time for our Child and our Child Self to follow through. This communicates respect and trust. Again, discipline is about building a relationship, not about having power over. If this is not how your parents gave you feedback and suggestions about your behaviors, today you can choose to treat the Child Self with compassion. 

I want to share a very concrete way of giving choices to the Child that usually facilitates collaboration and compliance and shifts away from a power dynamic.  When a parent is being tested by a child, the goal is to allow the Child to choose for themselves what is acceptable.

Begin by making sure the limit is clear. For example: “We don’t throw blocks in the house.”

• Mirror: I know you like to throw things,

• Empathize: I like to throw and see things happen too,

• Set the Boundary: And there is no throwing in the house, 

• Offer Choices: But you can go outside to throw. Or, if you stay inside, you can play with the blocks, but no throwing, that’s your choice. (After offering this choice, look away to provide space for the Child, to remove the opponent, but stay alert to any testing)

• No Change, No Choice: You have a choice, play with the blocks without throwing or I put the blocks away. You choose, or I will choose for you. I will give you time to choose. (LOOK AWAY seriously, study the ceiling. No one likes to make a choice under scrutiny and remember, again, “No opponent, no battle.” The fewer the words the better.)  

• Follow through and choose for them, if necessary. This is a learning process, they want to choose, and they will. Remember: Always offer a choice that you have control over; for example, we can say we are leaving the grocery store and do so, but we can’t say this on an airplane.

• Note: Reward the correct choice without inflating it. If we overdo it, we can inadvertently humiliate the Child. And children know when we aren’t being authentic. 

And finally, avoid providing too many choices, it can set the scene for conflict. 

Years ago, a preschool parent came to me about her son who struggled every day with the morning routine. We went over the routine and she mentioned: “Then he chooses a toothbrush.” I commented: “That is a good empowering idea, giving him a choice of a toothbrush, but how many toothbrushes does he have?” She said “Seven.” Every morning the conflict arose because he could not choose among so many choices. Even adults lament that there is too much to choose from and yet choice is liberating. A polarity of truths, requiring a balance.

Giving yourself the chance to make an “appropriate choice” is about being in a conscious relationship with, and recognizing how, the Child Self was treated. Here is what the experience with choosing could be for the Child Self. 

• Begin by making sure a limit is clear: “There are things I want and need and I want to understand how to make choices that are in my best interest and not harmful to me or others.”

• Mirror: “Sometimes, I like to do things that aren’t good for me. I like to rebel against and defy all the times I was controlled so I can feel empowered.” 

• Empathize: “It makes sense that I want to do these things, and so it’s hard to choose, it’s hard to do the “right things” because I don’t know where I begin and where my past experiences of being controlled end. I resent and resist the unexplained, judgmental, and shaming controls put on me as a child.” 

• Set the Boundary: “No matter what, I cannot choose or act in a matter that will be injurious to myself, that’s my boundary.”

• Offering a Choice: “I need to change my behavior, but I will give myself a choice, one based on what I need and want, one that’s in my best interest, and I need time”. 

• No Change, no choice: “For now, I need help, someone to choose for me.”

• Note: Always choose what you actually can control.  It is typically more effective to say, “I want a plan to stop smoking,” than, “I am stopping this instant. Forever”.

Reward the correct choice simply; it is easy to inadvertently humiliate the Child Self by make a big deal about it, announcing it, inflating it. And finally, avoid providing too many choices, it can set the scene for confusion. 

Adults inflict some of the most profound damage on the Child and the Child Self, when imposing discipline. Our unresolved issues surface from the times we were shamed, blamed, humiliated, judged, and physically punished. We’re not always conscious of the impact these powerful negative experiences have over us, but they are triggered over and over again in our adult lives. 

Not only can our words cause damage, but so can our silence and body language. Consider this common scenario: a parent is trying their best to be okay with what their teenage daughter has chosen to wear, but at the same time is ashamed of her choice and fears for her safety. The parent’s body language will likely come through and the child will know that they are not truly accepted. This is one of those times when the best thing to do is to admit your confusion.  It may not make you feel better, but your authenticity matters and might set the stage for honest communication. It will model that its ok to be confused.

At such times, we as parents need to talk to a friend, therapist, or partner about what is uncomfortable for us.  When your Child is an adult or young adult, you may want to tell them that you tried to be supportive, but they were probably aware that you were uncomfortable, frightened, ashamed, or uncertain. Say you are sorry, you hope they will take this hidden messaging into account when they try to understand their own motivations, what they really want, and who they really are. 

It is good to remember that things can change. Regardless of the messages we received as children, we can now choose to change our behaviors and feelings. The first step is to become conscious of these messages—how we were spoken to, given choices, corrected, and redirected as children. They influence how we act and react today. With this awareness, we are better able to choose how to treat a Child we might be raising and the Child Self.

©D'vorah Horn 2025. We invite you to share this work, but please do not copy any portion without attribution to D'vorah Horn.