Communication with Others

When we notice and attend to what we do not want to share and what we are willing to share we are exercising self-care, and it is a form of kindness. 

Human beings are social animals. We crave belonging, community, and connection with others. We rely on cooperation to survive and thrive. 

As infants we bond with caretakers of all kinds. As children we want to play together, even through parallel play. We bond to family, we make friends, we are part of groups. This is true also for adults. But why are we so drawn to human connection? Why is it so important? 

We are born dependent. If we are fortunate, we can count on others and eventually we become interdependent. We also need to become able and capable on our own. When we are raising children, we strongly desire that they learn the social rules, learn how to make connection and be accepted into the world. Even if we rebel as parents against certain standards or “acceptable” ways of relating that we were taught are important, we still want the Child we are raising to find others and to be socialized. 

By the time we each are Adults our Child Self has had a myriad of experiences, some building positive self-esteem, and some negative in the realm of socialization. How our parents, family and caretakers responded to our joys and sorrows around human connections will affect the way we are raising our Child and will show up in the needs of the Child Self. How our parents introduced us into social situations will also come through in the way the adult manages a sense of Self in the world. 

When you go with your Child out into the world someone is bound to say “Hello” to them. When somebody says ‘Hello’ to your Child, and is seemingly offended because the Child doesn’t say hello back or because they hide their head in your skirts or duck their face down in their elbow, resist talking first with the adult who has just tried to engage your child. 

Turn to your Child and say:

“Hey sweetie, it’s very nice that that lady wants to say “Hello” to you, and you know our deal you don’t have to say hello back - mommy will speak for you, is that what you want?”

Turning to the adult try this:

“He really appreciates you paying such kind attention to him, he is not going to talk to you right now, that’s his choice, that’s okay with me but he does appreciate it. And then ask the adult something about themselves to diffuse the situation because now they may be feeling a little bit like they have done something wrong, or perhaps that they need to correct your response”. 

You have to drop caring about what anyone thinks of your Child or of you. You may have felt the embarrassment of being shamed for not saying “Hello”, even abandoned by a parent who may have said something like: “Oh he is not usually like this, or oh he is shy”. 

Worse, you may have been pulled out from that safe place and forced to say “Hello”, all so your parent could avoid whatever negative thing they thought that another Adult was thinking about them. What your Child does in these circumstances is not a reflection on you unless you allow it to be a reflection on you. You need to give your Child and your Child Self permission to be a unique individual and not say anything to anybody if they don’t want to. 

To the Child Self:

“Little one, it was truly difficult when you could feel your father’s embarrassment that you would not say hi. Even family members did not feel safe to respond to when you were little and you just did not want to. You were following your instincts. When someone made you say “Hello” you just said the words but closed up inside because it was not truly how you felt. You are safe now; I will speak for you and you have done nothing wrong. There is no shame in not wanting to talk to someone.”

There are certainly boundaries, and nuances, and in the nuance is how we learn to have human connection that is kind and respectful. We don’t need to allow a Child we are raising to be nasty or rude or stick their tongue out or throw something at the stranger, and I’ve seen this plenty. If that happens, you can correct that behavior, zoom in and use whatever corrective measures you would normally, based on the need for the Child to have kindness and respect. But your motivation to correct them should not be based on worry about impressions and opinions that do not matter. 

Sometimes the best thing to do is to prep the Child and the Child Self, plan together for what might come up. 

“We are going to run into people I know, they will be friendly and say “Hello” to you, let’s talk about what you might want to do. Do you think you might want to say hello? If you don’t can you smile and nod, like this, people are usually ok with that. When you don’t show them that you have received their hello that is hard for people but don’t worry that is not your job, I will talk to them for you. Other people have to learn not to get hurt or angry when people don’t say hello. Even I have a hard time with that, but I am working on it.” 

Eye contact is considered communication in most cultures. It is interesting that in different cultures the response to being looked at in the eyes and no eye contact is diverse. In some cultures, looking into another’s eyes is considered rude, and of course in others the reverse is true. For the Child it is important that you let them know that it is ok to not look someone in the eyes. I feel this way because when they get old enough to be socializing in groups and conscious of this expectation, most children will simply mirror the culture around them regarding eye contact. Younger Children need permission not to have the privacy of their internal space intruded upon and the eyes are a window into that space. The other concern is the Child does not have the emotional intelligence to know how they feel and can get overwhelmed if forced to look someone in their eyes.  Did anyone ever say to you “Look at me” demanding your attention? Your Child Self needs the permission not to make eye contact but the Adult self needs to work that choice out one human interaction at a time. 

As a parent, sometimes the best conversations can be had when you can’t look into your Child’s eyes or even see that their gaze has turned away which may make you uncomfortable as if they are not connecting. For instance, with a teenager, when you are driving and they are sitting in the back of the car and it’s about 10 to 15 minutes to where you have to go, this can be the absolutely best time to bring up a sensitive topic, like: “You know I was wondering if you have become sexually active…..” 

As we are not born knowing how to talk but are instantly attracted to learning how to communicate, obviously we need to guide the Child we are raising by teaching them good communication skills. One thing I believe in is modeling or directly guiding the Child how to engage others by asking about them. Why? Because it is considered compassionate, it is kind, it is full of teachable moments, and it provides for human contact and connection. And one of the best ways to be seen and feel seen is to work to see others. 

Asking a friend for their “headlines” might be the adult example. And it is just as important to ask something as it is to attend to the answer.  

To your Child say: 

” If you want to find a way to talk to someone, ask them questions. Here are some: “What matters to you today? How are you? What does that mean? How is your family? Your dog? Your car? It does not really matter what you ask. Just know that when you ask someone something about them you are saying you see that they are here, that you are interested. It is ok if someone does not do that for you, it does not mean that there is something wrong with you. It is often that they have no idea how to do this”. 

To the Child Self: 

“Ok little one, no one really showed you how to make connection with others and maybe they tried to force it on you. Let me do this, like I have said before, you do not have to talk to anyone”.

You can model for your Child how to protect the privacy that is theirs by talking about a time you experienced this. 

“If you don’t want to answer something someone asks you here is what you can say, and I have had to do this myself: “Can you ask me about something else, I don’t want to talk about that right now”. Thank you also goes a long way. “Thanks for asking, I’m trying not to talk about that right now, want to hear about my summer plans”?

When we notice and attend to what we do not want to share and what we are willing to share we are exercising self-care, and it is a form of kindness. When the Child or the Child Self understands one does not have to share there is created a greater willingness and ability to show up for human connection. 

We are drawn to each other, looking constantly for relationship. We both depend on relationship and sometimes are not interested in relationship. It is important to know where our feelings and reactions to relating come from. If the Child Self is taken care of, the past experiences with relating brought to consciousness, and the Child we are raising is being modeled for, we are likely relating to others through healthy communication.