Courage

So how do we help the Child we are raising develop the courage to stand by their uniqueness when they are with those not like them? How do we also support the Child Self to do the same?  The Child and the Child Self need your unconditional support.

As a teenager, I never thought of myself as courageous, certainly not in social circumstances, but in this one instance I was. An acquaintance was having her Sweet 16 party. Even though I hardly knew her, I was going because she had begun to cling to me with ferocity. The event was in an expensive penthouse restaurant with taffeta and ribbon decorations, and the other girls were dressed in a sea of pastel colors with teased hair and high wasted cotton slacks (it was 1974). This was not my scene and, these girls had never been welcoming to me. 

I wore clothes that I loved and were natural to me—flat leather sandals with strands wrapped around my calves and a black skin-tight dress that I had found at a thrift store. I headed for the party. In the elevator to the penthouse, I got nervous. I knew that what I wore would be considered inappropriate for the occasion. I wiped the beads of sweat from my upper lip and as I turned a corner, the birthday girl ran across the room, toppled me almost to the ground, and whispered in relief, "I’m so glad you’re here.” I finally realized why I was there, I had the courage to be myself and she did not, and she knew it. I was amazed by my own courage. 

Why is courage important? Teaching children how to have the courage to stake their claim and be themselves is liberating and builds confidence. Many times throughout our lives, we believe that we are headed for troubled waters, and we act as if we are brave and find ourselves surprised by our courage. I’m not sure where I found the courage to be myself that day, facing a group of girls who were never nice to me. But sitting at a table by myself, I felt like the sword bearer on my own terrain protecting my most important asset, me. And, as it turned out, I was also protecting the birthday girl. 

How did I learn to have courage like that?  I used to think my mother was not courageous; she had always wanted to fit in and be accepted. She even turned from me when her peers commented on my rough and tumble attire. Over time, however, as I tended to my Child Self, I realized that she was very courageous, even though she couldn’t directly teach it to me. As I learned about the traumas she suffered and met with grace over her life, she became an example to me. 

As social beings, we find it is easier to be with those who are like us—we want to belong and fit in. So how do we help the Child we are raising develop the courage to stand by their uniqueness when they are with those not like them? How do we also support the Child Self to do the same?  The Child and the Child Self need your unconditional support.

Your Child Self wants to know that you will support them, even when they are full of fears, doubts, and self-rejection. As a Child, you didn’t have the capacity to protect yourself, the adults were supposed to do that. But now, as an adult, you can. When your Child Self is afraid of, or injured for being different, you can walk in front of them and let them know that you like them just as they are that you are there to keep them safe. 

We can disagree with our children, encourage them to challenge themselves to grow, and correct behavior we deem harmful. But we need to choose carefully when to do that and when to simply give unconditional support. 

Here’s what you might say to a young girl who was teased about her body:

“The girls in your swim class teased you about the shape of your body and that hurt. So strange they should care. Maybe they are scared that their bodies are not ok. You are just right as you are, no matter what anyone else thinks, I know this. You will come to feel this way too.”

A therapist I know is a lovely round, confident young mother. She took her son to school one day and found herself surrounded by preschoolers when one of them commented: “You are fat.” The teacher was mortified and rushed over, but before she arrived the mother said, “Yes, I am fat, and you have red hair, and he has glasses, and the teacher is very tall. Isn’t it wonderful that the world is filled with so many kinds of people?” With her son by her side, she showed what courage in the face of stigma really looks like, regardless of how hard her heart was pounding. Showing such courage can give a child who is being ridiculed about her body the courage to say something like, “Please stop looking at my body and saying mean things, I am who I am, I hope you love yourself as much as I love me.” 

So much in life demands that we act with courage. The development of courage is so important that many children’s books are about kids being brave in the face of danger and taking charge of their lives. It is important to stand up for ourselves, take risks, try new things, even when—especially when—we are afraid to do so. We need to know, however, that an adult is standing up for us too. 

I tell a story about my 4-year-old daughter, who was being praised by an elder for being so pretty. She snapped right back, “I’m also smart.” She was then ridiculed for how she spoke to the adults.  Not wanting this reaction to crush her courage to tell her truth in the future, I later said to her privately, “I am proud of you. Even though the ladies were being nice, they were not being fair. Your friend is also pretty and they forgot about her. They grew up in a world where how girls looked was the most important thing about them. But we don’t believe that, do we? In the future, when you say what you need to, be as kind and gentle as possible, just like you were today. Most people mean no harm, they are just making a mistake.”

Encouraging children to exercise courage in the physical world poses interesting challenges. A friend of mine was determined to raise her children with a lot of courage and confidence in the physical world. Growing up, she was not physically adept, and her parents were overprotective. Even as an adult she never felt confident in her abilities. Yet, she would push her children to undertake new physical challenges every day; climb a tree, go down a big slide, whatever she could think of. Her intentions were good, but she was using her children to repair the damage she experienced as a child. However, these were not her children’s challenges; they needed courage for other things. They were not harmed by being challenged physically, but they were playing out the mother’s need. At times, often unconsciously, we are all tempted to do this, and sometimes we do. This is a good rule of thumb: notice where your Child Self needs courage and pay attention to it. But also recognize the courage you already have. Then when you can, pass that courage on to a friend, a child, a partner, and even a parent. 

LIFE DOESN’T FRIGHTEN ME 

Shadows on the wallNoises down the hallLife doesn’t frighten me at all 

Bad dogs barking loudBig ghosts in a cloudLife doesn’t frighten me at all. 

Mean old Mother Goose Lions on the looseThey don’t frighten me at all 

Dragons breathing flame 

On my counterpane 

That doesn’t frighten me at all. 

I go booMake them shooI make funWay they runI won’t crySo they flyI just smileThey go wildLife doesn’t frighten me at all. 

Tough guys in a fightAll alone at nightLife doesn’t frighten me at all. 

Panthers in the parkStrangers in the darkNo, they don’t frighten me at all. 

That new classroom where Boys pull all my hair(Kissy little girlsWith their hair in curls)They don’t frighten me at all. 

Don’t show me frogs and snakes 

And listen for my scream,If I’m afraid at allIt’s only in my dreams. 

I’ve got a magic charm 

That I keep up my sleeve,I can walk the ocean floor 

And never have to breathe. 

Life doesn’t frighten me at all 

Not at all Not at all Life doesn’t frighten me at all. 

©D'vorah Horn 2025. We invite you to share this work, but please do not copy any portion without attribution to D'vorah Horn.