Helpers

There are special people and stories, e.g., art teachers, coaches, books, plays, religious quotes, and imaginative flights, that serve as helpers. 

We all need helpers. Your Child has helpers, as does your Child Self. They are essential, even lifesaving at times, and they come in many forms: a mentor, a best friend, a partner, a teacher, a guide, a relative, and the like. For the young child, it could be the lady down the street. Most of us can recall someone in our lives who saw, accepted, and appreciated us as we were. This is my story of a helper who lived next door to my grandmother.

My family went to my grandmother’s house every weekend. My mom and I were typically early. I would immediately ask: “Can I see if Mrs. D’Souza is home?” Mrs. D’Souza was Portuguese and her home was another world compared to mine. She always invited me in, immediately steering me to a soft cushiony upholstered chair, a stark contrast to my grandmother’s plastic slip covered sofa. She would offer me juice in a fancy China teacup and a bowl of peach ices—frozen peaches made in her ice cube tray. A very different treat from the homemade pickles we dug out of the jars in my grandmother’s basement. We talked about many things. Yet, what truly stands out for me is that she asked me questions about myself. I felt special and accepted. When I returned to my grandmother’s house, it was full of cousins whom I loved, but did not understand, and they did not get me either. But I felt stronger, and more prepared for the complexities of family, because I had spent time with Mrs. D’Souza. She was my helper. 

Let your child have their human helpers, elders, other moms, aunties, uncles and cultivate them, watch over them, but stay out of it. I am sure my mother came to my first visit with Mrs. D’Souza. 

Stories can also serve as important helpers—the ones we read to our children, the ones they read to themselves, and the ones we read when we were young. For most of us there’s a story, or a book, that we read or heard as children that spoke to us—it may have given us strength, inspiration, security, or even saved our soul. You may have imagined yourself as one of the characters, lived into its personality and let it take you to places and experiences outside of your life. It may have mirrored and empowered you. 

Share this with your Child. Tell them bits and pieces of what this story meant to you. But then back off. Give them space to choose their own muse.  Give them space to find their own heroes, and don’t judge them. The purpose of sharing your story is to encourage them to follow their own inner guide, and not yours. We don’t want to send the message that they have to be you or need what you needed. When they are free to follow their own inner guides, they will be met with the helpers they need. Your child will find many resources, and it’s okay that it’s not you exclusively. 

The story of Heidi was one of my literary helpers. It stayed with me through my childhood and comforted me even in middle school. Heidi lived in a loft watching pine trees blow in the wind, communing with nature, and eating melted cheese on bread. When they took her away, she was lost, and when she was allowed home, she found redemption. This story was an anchor that I needed to survive. I found kinship with the mountains, trees, and vast open spaces. My mother could not relate to Heidi, but she did not interfere. Let your Child Self and the Child you are raising have their Heidi without your judgment.

Sometimes a Child’s helper exists only in their imagination. Adults can find this challenging and wind up feeling insecure in their parenting role. Sometimes adults actively push the Child out of their imagination, or they do the opposite. Parents can enter too thoroughly into a child’s imagination, trying to be part of the story, becoming the playmate in a way that leaves the child without the security, protection and boundaries having a parent is supposed to be.  The Child needs the parent as a container and guard, sometimes providing the safety of reality they’ll need to return to. 

At times, parents allow their children to carry their imaginary life into reality in a manner that is not helpful to the Child. One common scenario involves children who want to wear a costume (e.g., a cape) all the time, insisting that they are the empowered imaginary character, and not who they are. The Child needs the cape and character as a helper, but not to overtake their personality.  This is a good time for parents to make a separation for the Child. 

To the Child, we can say something like this:

“Wow, I see how strong you feel when you have your cape on. That is fine with me. I like to feel like that too sometimes. When you are in the grocery store you need to stay by me, and not fly in the aisles. When we go grocery shopping the cape comes off until later.” 

To the Child Self we can say:

“Little one, you’re not feeling strong and are puffing yourself up, acting with power over and not in relationship to others. I am here for you, leave the ‘cape’ for later, we have some work to do now, I will help.” 

The imagination is a magnificent tool, requiring us to consciously balance our reactions to it by mostly letting it go, while staying aware of where our imagination is going. 

When I was 10, no one showed me how to stand up for myself and no one knew why I mounted my imaginary golden stallion at recess. When the bell rang and we spilled onto the blacktop, the other kids played foursquare, hopscotch, and on the play structures. I was not invited in and didn’t know how to get included so I mounted my imaginary stallion and rode away. When I felt physically threatened, my stallion would kick and prance about baring its teeth, listening for danger, or a possible predator. It's a miracle anyone ever spoke to me at all with such a dangerous beast at my command. The playground was open season and I was riding a 1200-pound hunk of flesh that knew how to run. When the bell rang, I put him in the stable, removed his harness and bit, took off the saddle, and quickly combed him over. I missed him on the weekends. Later I learned how to become him. 

It is not hard to help your Child find helpers. Mostly it requires staying out of the way. There are special people and stories, e.g., art teachers, coaches, books, plays, religious quotes, and imaginative flights, that serve as helpers. As an adult it is important to know who those helpers were that supported you growing up and to call on those helpers to serve the needs of the Child Self. 

As adults, we tend to believe that we have all the answers for the Child as well as for the Child Self. We cannot meet all the needs of either. Both need helpers. For the Child Self, remember your childhood helpers and summon them when you need their support. For the Child you are raising, remember that you cannot, should not, be all things to them, and steer them to those helpers. 

©D'vorah Horn 2025. We invite you to share this work, but please do not copy any portion without attribution to D'vorah Horn.