Humor and Teasing

When you realize that humor is causing you pain, it’s likely rooted in the Child Self experience and injury. “Being a good sport” or “being ok with teasing” is not a rite of passage, just as “taking a punch” is not. 

I am a fan of humor, goofiness, comic play, and joking. It’s fun, it’s a release, it tests one’s intelligence. 

My uncle used to chant this to us:

One dark morning in the middle of the night

two dead men got up to fight

back-to-back they faced each other 

took out a knife and shot each other

a deaf policeman heard the noise

and came and arrested two dead boys. 

When we were too young to understand the humor, we laughed at how he looked and sounded, the twinkle in his eye, and his loving laugh afterwards. But then came the day that we “got it,” and the laughter took on a whole new dimension. When we understood the humor, we won the prize of my uncle’s wide smile of joy and approval. 

Humor can be used to wring out the tension in the air when something is disturbing or difficult. Humor creates bonds among people, especially family and friends. 

A client once told me this story: “When my family was intact—four kids, my mom and dad —we often goofed around and laughed a lot. We would hide things from each other, throw bits of trees and nature into each other’s hair while on a walk and use puns constantly. But, when my mom and dad were arguing or upset with each other for reasons that we didn’t understand, we stopped being silly, and the mood became tense and heavy. Now, it is different. When we are just with our mom, and something comes up, we bring it to the surface and often, without being dismissive, turn it into humor. Like when we had a big family holiday dinner we were hosting and my dad was coming with some family from his side we turned the tense situation of who would sit where into an opportunity to make ridiculous name tags and assign seats. They were hysterical and satirical and everyone laughed. This is a good thing for us, it all feels very liberating.” 

Humor, however, can also be used to mock, tease, and cause great pain. When humor is used at the expense of another person, it is a way of competing that fosters power-over and hierarchy. Humor at someone’s expense often causes people to hide their true selves and true feelings. My rule of thumb is that teasing should rarely be used and when it is, it must be used with a great deal of caution so that it's not inadvertently used at someone’s expense. 

Lovingly teasing someone, especially when you know that others feel safe with you, and it is not public, or it is in an “agreed upon” public situation, can be sweet, it can even make someone feel seen and loved and may even be romantic.

A child who uses humor at the expense of another, perhaps to dominate or to impress a clique, has usually experienced mocking and humiliation at home or in other social situations. When an older sibling mocks a younger one, the older sibling is typically jealous and resentful. When a parent mocks a child, they are expressing a judgment and revealing their own parental insecurity, e.g., “if my child is spacey, that will reflect on me.” All parents want their child to be accepted in the outside world because we want to feel accepted, that is, seen as being normal and therefore not drawing attention and becoming a target for mocking. 

When you realize that humor is causing you pain, it’s likely rooted in the Child Self experience and injury. “Being a good sport” or “being ok with teasing” is not a rite of passage, just as “taking a punch” is not. Cruelty is cruelty. Bullying is bullying. As parents, we have to teach the Child that this behavior is not acceptable and provide ways to deal with it.

Here is some helpful language for the Child. 

“You are not whatever that person called you. How stupid of them for saying that. Did you notice others laughing? That’s because they are uncomfortable and don’t want to be teased. There are some things you can do to protect yourself when this happens. For instance, you can just walk away, you know look over your shoulder, and roll your eyes. You can also stick around and change the subject. You can say the inner “no” while you are trying to figure it all out, and you do not have to say that out loud. And I will be here for when you feel bad, you don’t have to show them that. I will also be here to do something if you need me to.”

If your child is being seriously bullied, you have no choice but to step in. This is not the time to insist that your child protect themselves. You are the parent; you can reach out to support systems, places to deal with bullying in school and organized activities your child participates in. Engaging a bus driver who is witness to the events, or calling parents to strategize can work as well. Tell observers of any mistreatment to take specific steps to interrupt and stop it, notifying you and any officials. Getting your child into some activity where friends can be made that build confidence – kids that are into what they are into, this helps tremendously. 

Society will not change until we tend to the Child Self and address the feelings that occurred when humor was used against us. We do not have to accept that teasing is ok. 

To the Child Self who is hurt when the adult is the victim of teasing, we can say this:

“Little one, I get it, this did not feel good and does not feel good now. It reminds you of what it felt like when you were small and were teased. No one told you it was not true; it was not your fault. I am telling you that now, it is not true; it is not your fault!”

Sometimes we are the perpetrators and the Child Self is disappointed and confused:

“Little one, I get it, it’s disappointing that I teased and hurt another person. I feel bad about it, and I will stop. I know I can forgive myself. I will try to figure out why I participated in causing someone else pain.”

When experiencing humor with your Child, always pay attention to how it is affecting them; are they confused, concerned for the feelings of another, or are they joining in appropriately? It is up to us to reassure the Child and the Child Self that humor against anyone is unacceptable, but humor with anyone can be a gift. 

©D'vorah Horn 2025. We invite you to share this work, but please do not copy any portion without attribution to D'vorah Horn.