Labels, Praise, and Criticism

For the adult and your Child Self, we have to come to terms with the labels we have been given and resist calling ourselves names, especially negative ones! 

I find it challenging to write about the harm that parents cause when they label their children because my parents did it, and they were kind and loving, and never wanted to hurt us. But when they labeled my brother, my sister, and me, it caused each of us to suffer throughout our lives. 

My sister was called the “untouchable one” as she at times pulled away from physical affection. There are many possible reasons she pulled away. It may have been out of a sensory integration need, a lack of trust in them, or another injury or trauma that she either experienced or absorbed from our mother. It may have been her way of defining her space. The reason doesn’t matter. What matters is that they labeled her out of their own hurt feelings, they felt rejected when she pulled away from them. They did not understand her. 

My brother, they called the “pig.” He left things undone, uncleaned, and unfinished. He was also an empathic, deep-feeling boy, which was unacceptable in the culture. Deep feelings were considered messy, especially for boys. So, my parents focused on his messiness because his messiness signaled danger, potential failure, and a threat to his being safe in the world. Instead of taking him by the hand and walking him through the steps he needed to stay focused, to have pride in completion, or simply to do his household tasks, they did the opposite. He got worse, and then they expected him to be an inconsiderate, sloppy person. Today he is quite different. He is an orderly person, balanced, highly competent and responsible. 

Labeled the “klutz,” I, in fact, was hyper aware of all the sensations and sense experiences I was having and perceiving around me and at the same time I had a loose connection to the physical world and where my body was in space. This often left me tripping and banging up my body. There are books written now on what I needed to support me to be in balance, but suffice it to say, it took me many years to realize that I could move gracefully in the world, keep a beat and dance, embrace a routine of yoga, and detach from the label of “klutz”.

Labels like, “the smart one”, “so sensitive”, “the mazick (Yiddish for mischievous)”, “little gangster”, “princess”, “shy one”, “selfish one”, “crybaby”, “math genius”, “science girl”, or “big mouth,” may have confined us, hurt us, or supported us, but ultimately, they are not us.  Labels stick to us and tend to grow roots in our psyches that can easily become spirit-killing. 

For the adult and your Child Self, we have to come to terms with the labels we have been given and resist calling ourselves names, especially negative ones! It may be true when someone reflects that, “I don’t have any friends,” but it is always false when they say, “I am not lovable.”  

For parenting the Child and for the Child self, there are ways to compensate and to heal from the injury of labels. Starting with an apology, you can say to the Child Self:

“I’m sorry for calling you that name, for repeating that label that hurt and confined you. I’m here to say no to that, I am here to practice not repeating it.”

To the Child you are raising try:

“I’m sorry for calling you that name, it came from my own frustration (or my fears or my worries). It is not my right to tell you who you are, especially if it limits you, labels you, or inhibits your ability to grow.”  

Once a beloved friend told me, “You’re just not a natural drummer.” I had bought a drum and wanted so much to learn how to play it. My friend may have wanted to protect me from disappointment. That kind of protection, however, doesn’t help your Child or Child Self. Instead it is best to encourage someone in their own belief that they will find their own answers when they try something new, even if that answer is, “hard work ahead.” 

When you find yourself thinking, for example, that your child is “inconsiderate,” try reframing your reaction. Instead of labeling, notice how you feel: “I feel hurt/disappointed that my daughter demanded that I help her, when I was obviously busy.” Then try questions like: “Do I need to say something?” or “Do I need to set a boundary about her behavior towards me?” or “What difference would it make if I didn’t take this personally?” And finally, “What will I do with her reaction?” 

If you need to say something, be honest, describe what you see, and own your feelings, but don’t label: 

“I am angry/hurt because I feel you haven’t considered my needs and are taking me for granted. What I need next time is this…”  

Try talking to your Child Self this same way: 

“I am hurt/disappointed in myself because I didn’t notice what you needed and hurt you. So, I take note and will be more responsive to your needs next time. But I am not an inconsiderate person, even of myself.”

Praising, calling others lovely things, and bringing attention to what you value the most in your Child or Child Self is good. It leaves your Child and your Child Self feeling buoyed, supported, and seen. It’s an important practice that affirms the soul. 

There are issues, however, with over praising. When we tell our children,

“You are so clever, you are so smart, or You are such a good writer (artist, mathematician, musician, etc.),” we’ve set an expectation, raised a bar, and held up a magnifying glass that tells them that they need to keep shining to be worthy.  

As I discuss in my chapter on “Specialness vs. Inadequacy,” this creates a pressure on the Child or Child Self to be special or else suffer feelings of inadequacy.  This is not to suggest that we can’t say “Fantastic for you” to the young one who is bursting with the joy at discovering their creativity when sculpting clay or their strength when their legs are strong enough to stand.  I’m suggesting that observational objectivity is more useful than endless, generalized praise. 

To say to oneself, “I am using my greatest mind here, it is mine, and I have access to it when I need it” is more useful than saying, “I am so smart, I am the smartest.” There is a completeness and honesty we are going for, a wholeness, so the language we use is important. 

When addressing the Child or the Child Self, we should start from observation: 

“Wow, I see how strong your muscles are and how hard you are working to build them.” Then we move to our personal reactions, “I am really moved by that piece of music you created, it makes my heart happy, I love it.” Then close with the real, “You have expressed your beauty in your art, your unique voice, and that is something to be grateful for”. 

When we praise a child for something today that we did not praise them for yesterday, they might think “What was wrong with me yesterday or what will be wrong with me tomorrow?” So, shine a light on what you think the Child or Child Self wants and needs to hear:

“You are always beautiful to me, I see your beauty.”  Again, make it a positive “I message.

Sometimes we use critical observations to enhance, grow, support, or challenge the Child or Child Self. In this context too, it’s important to start with observation and its impact on us. Even clear criticism, no matter how uncomfortable it is, can be framed in a way that’s supportive and not defining, and of course, asking if you can offer a critical view first: 

“This may be hard for you to hear. I send it with love and you can take it or leave it.”

We need to reinforce that the Child and Child Self have the right to choose our feedback’s value to them. 

When we praise our children, it’s important that we check our egos at the door. For example, if the Child you are raising has skills that you don’t have, but have always longed for, your praise must be for them, not you. When your praise is a mask for what you feel lacking in yourself, it can be detected. To keep our egos in check, start by asking questions. Helpful questions put the focus on the Child. “How do you feel about the piano? Do you think you are a good musician? What are your goals?” and the like. Then observe, mirror by repeating back to them what they have shared, be kind, loving, clear, and always honest. That’s good praise. 

Focusing with the Child and reminding the Child Self that what is praiseworthy does not have to be what the culture values, even unconsciously (“women should be well-behaved” or “men shouldn’t cry in public”), is a form of healthy, good praising.

©D'vorah Horn 2025. We invite you to share this work, but please do not copy any portion without attribution to D'vorah Horn.