Paying Attention

“Shed your omnipotence and enter into joyful observation of the child.” 

Maria Montessori's educational approach is premised on the notion that teachers must have a thorough understanding of each child in their environment to provide the best guidance for their development. This requires Montessori teachers to have the ability and persistence to observe each child without preconceptions before deciding the most effective ways to teach and guide them. 

I believe this philosophy is equally applicable to adults raising the Child and supporting the Child Self in the development of agency, independence, and a positive self-esteem. This requires adults to cultivate the ability to closely observe without bringing our own biases or desires for what the Child or Child Self should need. When we do this, we get important information on the best ways and times to respond, intervene, get out of the way, and support the Child and to listen to the Child Self.   

To achieve this level of observation, we have to know what we are feeling and how we are reacting in any given situation, that is, where we end and where the Child or Child Self begins, recognizing that the Child is vulnerable and that our issues, as adults, likely came from not getting the close, unencumbered attention we needed as children. 

A mom once told me: “If I had known I would wind up in the back of the station wagon, my mother spanking me, I would have worn those tights instead of knee-highs that my mother wanted me to wear. There would’ve been less exposed skin. I guess now, as an adult reflecting, she was upset that the sailor cap she bought my dad had turned him into Captain Bly. And perhaps she wanted everything perfect as we ate our perfect expensive dinner: but little me, I just could not sit still. Stuffed sharks on the wall, and greasy potatoes on my plate. Noise and waiters and glasses full of soda. My mother’s tension sat on top us all like a fish net, caught and trapped, we each meticulously played our parts. I must have pushed it a bit too far. Too much chatter, too much squirming, too many black shoe scuffs on dads’ perfect white pants. Maybe, she whipped my butt because she couldn't whip his – it’s a new thought. I always imagined I had merely embarrassed her. After all, I think I talked back, retorted, said something smart and wise, maybe smarter than her.”

If her mother had been aware that she was angry at her husband and feeling powerless, self-conscious, and insecure, she may have been able to observe her child and see that the sensitive sensory child needed someone to pay attention. She may have said something like this to her child: “I know it is hard to sit still, this place is so exciting. Let’s take off your shoes so you won’t mess up Dad’s pants [or let’s go for a walk or maybe you want to sit next to me]? It is not your fault that you are so squirmy, that’s how you are supposed to be! How else will your amazing body learn? It is not even your fault that I was getting cranky about it, that’s my job to fix in me.”

The child in the story is now raising children. She won’t spank them and is more aware of the roots of her own frustration and anger than her mother ever was. Still, she is human and there are times when she knows her impatience has left her Child feeling startled, abandoned, or “to blame.” She now knows that the best thing to do for the Child is to tell the truth and apologize. And going forward, she realizes that the best thing she can do to head this off is to ask, “What did my Child Self need at times like this?  And how do I care for my Child Self now?” 

To her Child Self, she might say:

“Little One, you were not to blame for the way your mother behaved towards you. Your mother is responsible for paying close attention and for not taking her feelings out on you. I am going to remind you of that as often as I can”.

At the restaurant, a parent who was paying attention and anticipating her child’s needs might have brought a fidget box with objects to occupy and challenge her. Today we might turn to a screen, but it isn’t required or always what the Child needs. Engagement with others might be what the Child needs or, if she needs permission to withdraw, a screen is perfect.

Personally, I get a bit anxious in situations that are crowded with a lot of noise and stimuli. I am a sensory sensitive individual and have always been. This means that all my senses are heightened and my awareness of what I sense is very high. When I was a child, my parents had no idea what this meant, how it manifested, or what to do about it. If they had been aware of and managed their own childhood injuries, they could have attended to me in such situations, dressed me in loose and comfortable clothes, and given me small, quiet birthday parties, instead of throwing big bashes. This would have been very helpful. 

I am always on the alert for the voice of my Child Self. When sensory input is a bit too much for me, I make choices to take care of myself in the moment. Now, I am clear that my experiences are affected by those in the past. As an adult, I can tend to the needs and desires of my Child Self (who only needs reassurance) and those of my Adult Self at the same time.  

There are so many situations that require this level of careful observation, anticipation, and intervention from the mundane to the high stakes. 

Watching parents in the supermarket, I notice that they typically place their children in the top seat of the cart or into one of those little shopping cars where they are independent but separated from strangers. Some parents have the child hold onto the cart or the parent’s hands or leave them to run after the parent, learning to be alert to where the parent is. There is nothing essentially correct or incorrect about any of these choices, especially if they are chosen through observation. 

Of course, there are times when we simply have to get shopping done quickly, and these considerations are secondary. But if the goal is to develop the Child’s confidence, independence, and cooperativeness, we can adapt our choice to meet the Child’s personality and needs. For example, the Child in the basket can be given the items to place into the cart; the Child in the car can be asked to find the cereal aisle; the Child holding on can be let go of to pick out an item; and the Child running after us can be challenged to keep up and help out instead of disappearing. 

Adults also need to be on the lookout for and prepared to address situations in which children mistreat and bully each other. 

When bullying goes unnoticed and unchecked, the Child Self contains the injuries and, unless the injuries are addressed, will likely turn right around and perpetuate injury on another or on themselves. When the “weaker” ones—those a bit other—are singled out and preyed upon, it often uncovers truths about family dynamics. If adults are paying attention and taking responsive action, so much of the injury from bullying can be interrupted and mitigated for the bullied and the bully. 

 A friend once told me about her experience of being bullied in her family —one that is all too common. “When I was eight, I was playing with my cousins in my grandmother’s basement. The adults described us a pack of “loving pups.” That was not exactly accurate. In fact, among us, there was a lot of struggling and vying for position. There was jealousy that seemed to come right from my father’s relationships with his brothers and sisters down to us. 

I was the 'bullied’ cousin—the one who didn’t get the apparently obvious unspoken rules or the social cues. Once some cousins got me to sit on a broken chair. When it tipped over backwards, a nail from the frame went into my back. While no one meant to hurt me, they did mean to have power over me, trick me, and humiliate me. All it would have taken was for an adult to notice and stop them.” 

So, why weren’t the adults checking on the little ones?  While the children were playing in the basement, the adults upstairs in the living room may have had their own game going on—one in which laughter is hiding old hurts and feelings of exclusion. Perhaps one adult is noticing others telling a story that pertain only to them, triggering feelings of being on the “outside.” In such situations, the adult, likely unconsciously, might feel too vulnerable to deal with whether the children are being kind, fair, and generous to each other. And, after all, the kids “seem happy.” We can’t hover, children need to work out their own social situations, but we have to observe what is going on. While watching for our own social triggers, we can become objective observers of the Child and of the Child Self, and know when to move in. 

When it comes to bullying, children are often playing a “game” and someone doesn’t get the seemingly “obvious” rules or social cues. That child will then make a comment or ask a question that exposes their vulnerability. This leaves a “scent” of woundedness, cluelessness, loneliness, or unguarded open heartedness, which is picked up by someone who is hungry for recognition, power, or status because they lack it inside of themselves and in their lives. A child who bullies recognizes, often unconsciously, the vulnerable child’s wounds because they are also injured and are deluded into thinking that they finally have control. 

As an Illustration: Imagine a girl who bullies other kids has a father who declares daily how she falls short of his expectations and that her brother is the one he respects. Imagine that the father himself feels inadequate in his family by comparing himself negatively to his brother who has achieved greater success in life, leaving him resentful. Without knowing it, the father transfers his resentment to his daughter, which is compounded by his view that his daughter isn’t good enough and makes him look bad. 

When the daughter becomes an adult, she believes that she is homely and transfers her own insecurity to her daughter, who, in turn, feels powerless and insecure. Rinse, wash, repeat. 

Injured adults raise injured children who too frequently become the ones teasing and shaming and wreaking havoc on the psyches of the ones who “just don’t get it.” 

To pay attention and attend to bullying dynamics, the adult who feels inadequate and seeks power over others has to reassure their Child Self: 

“You can feel strong enough and love yourself enough to trust that you will not be lost or trampled on if you show kindness. You can leave power over others behind. I will help you. You are good enough and safe enough to treat others kindly.”

Then, that adult would be able to pay attention and tell the children: “Leave your cousin alone, she is not for you to pick on.” 

Make no mistake, it is a big responsibility and task to watch, to pay attention, to respond, and to know that it matters. Most of us weren’t taught to do this. Children should not be left on their own. They need to be guided. 

Even when we are paying attention, we don’t always know how to interpret what we’re seeing or how to respond to it. Like everything, it takes practice and we’re never perfect. Over the years, I have collected stories from adults that I believe are helpful examples of paying attention:

“When I was a child, the bedroom I shared with my sister was covered in vertical stripes, the style at the time, and my mom was so proud of it. I could never fall asleep easily and there was always a struggle.  Once I moved into my own room, I was able to sleep. Later, as an Adult, it became apparent that stripes made me dizzy and disturbed my vision, perhaps keeping me awake as a child. As it turned out, I needed glasses.”

“When I was a classroom teacher, I noticed a child who would run his hands around the edge of the tables a few times before he could get centered on something to do. This ritual disturbed the other children at the table. I began giving him something to do as soon as he came in the classroom to help him meet his sensory needs and stop him from unwittingly disturbing the other children. He was simply answering an inner need, which we didn’t understand, until we observed him without judgment and, as a result, we didn’t need to correct or discipline him.” 

“My son was always so happy at 3:30 on Wednesdays when he got home from school. It took me a while to figure out what a burden school had become for him and Wednesdays after school represented his home stretch to the weekend. I began looking into the pressure he was experiencing at school.” 

“I could not stand it when my parents competed for my attention. It was always nice to be wanted, but it caused me stress as a child to be the object of that competition. If they had noticed how tense it made me, I think they would have stopped. As an adult, I am trying not to do that to my Child.” 

“We were on vacation at a house in Vermont near an island with a water hole deep enough to swim in. One day I noticed a young boy gathering large rocks and placing them on a beehive. His older brother was trying to stop him. I didn’t see any adults checking on them all afternoon. I expected the older brother would “tell” on his little brother and I stayed out of it. The next day the brothers were back and another family came to the swim hole. An unsuspecting 10-year-old boy found the rocks and pulled them off the hive. He was instantly attacked by a swarm of bees. The brothers ran home in terror. I couldn’t help but think that if adults had checked on the brothers or if I had said something to them, the harm would have been avoided and the brothers would have learned to take responsibility for their actions. “

“When my son was in junior high, he was someplace he wasn’t supposed to be and saw an older boy trying to sell drugs to a younger one. He knew both kids and with some trepidation told us about it. We had an agreement with him that he wouldn’t get in trouble for being somewhere or doing something he shouldn’t be, if he told us about it to protect himself or others from harm. This made him feel safe enough to open up so we could help him when he inevitably ran into potentially harmful situations.”

“When one of my sons was in fourth grade, he was constantly irritated and impatient when he perceived any teasing or meanness towards others. As the intensity of his feelings grew, he became confused and began snapping at other kids. I offered him this: “Place a window screen around you that will give you all the powers of observation without letting the bugs in to annoy you.” Perhaps this is good advice for our Adult Selves, a window screen that gives us the ability to see what disturbs our Child Selves without letting it interfere with our ability to observe and respond to the Child. In this way, “everyone” gets their needs met.”

We can’t always be the protectors of our children. We’re not always there and we shouldn’t be. We are pulled in many directions to take care of life’s practical and demanding challenges. 

In I Ching: The Oracle of the Cosmic Way, Carol Anthony and Hanna Moog reassure us that we are not and do not have to be everything to the Child we are raising or to our Child Selves. While we are paying attention and attending to them, we are connected to help through the “Cosmic Family.”

“Beyond infancy, the parent’s function is to recognize the innate abilities of the child, and give him space for these abilities to develop in a psychic atmosphere that shelters him from the pressures of the collective ego. Their function is to teach him that when they are not present or available, he can inwardly ask for any help, love, and nourishment he needs for himself. They also teach him that he is never cut off or abandoned by the Cosmos. Their function, otherwise, is to let go more and more as the child learns to trust his own connection with the Cosmos.”