Special verses Inadequate

The emphasis on specialness literally reinforces the feelings of inadequacy that stop creativity in its tracks. 

Many years ago, a mother and father brought their 3-year-old to my school. He had been at home until then and was very gifted in his cognitive and intellectual development. He was reading, doing math, and loved and knew a great deal about science. His parents had reinforced this as “specialness,” thinking this was the way to reflect to him how talented he was and build his self-esteem. 

He entered the classroom and for three weeks chose to do little more than transfer beans by hand from one bowl to the other. I was hard pressed to keep his parents from pulling him from the school. To them I was not supporting his “specialness” when I let him choose such a low-level task in my Montessori classroom. After three weeks, he began to socialize with other children. What was “special” to his parents about their child had not been a help to him in negotiating the world of his peers. What he needed to learn was to be himself and not strive to be special. He watched the others carefully, and when ready, when he no longer felt inadequate about socializing, he entered the world of children. 

Fortunately, his parents were willing to adjust their way of reinforcing his self-esteem. 

What changed was their ability to say to him, “Everyone is unique. That means everyone is special in their own way, everyone has their way of being in the world. How lucky we are to share the world with all these amazing, different people!” 

We all fall victim to the lure of specialness, living in a culture that is competitive, where only “the best” get to win the awards, and the rest get the message that they are simply not good enough. This does not mean that there aren’t people with exceptional talents like the fastest runners and award-winning poets. These talents are unique to them. It does not mean that the rest of us are inadequate in comparison; rather, we are different and unique in our own ways. 

Many think that the drive to be special is the only way to bring out excellence. I believe that the drive for excellence is there regardless. Yet, because the external incentive of specialness is so pervasive in our culture, it’s hard to know how we, as individuals, would respond without it.  

Only the “best” artists get into famous galleries and museums. But for hundreds of years the “best” artists were deemed to be white men only. Does that mean there were no women or people of color who were exceptional artists? Of course not. It only means that they weren’t considered special or the best artists according to the norms and values of art that particular moment in history. 

The emphasis on specialness literally reinforces the feelings of inadequacy that stop creativity in its tracks. 

Here is a story of how one-woman artist shared how she said “NO” to her inner voice of inadequacy:

“I dragged a heavy wooden box from a pile in the garage. I painted it a shiny black enamel and made it into an art piece, an interactive sand box—therapeutic, loud, highly visible, and ‘showy.’ I claimed it as mine. Still, the voices inside me scoffed, “It is not sophisticated, it is corny and crafty. You can’t call it an installation.” Yet, I made it one; I placed 36 tiny sculptures of women in it and gave it a prominent placement in my one-woman gallery show. 

The sand box is my art and brings me joy. It is perhaps clumsy by critical standards, but it is elegant to me. Soft white sand and tiny pebbles, rakes, and moon beads inside a miniature Japanese sand garden. I smacked those critical voices in the ass. I cultivated a new attitude that says, “Bullshit,” I am not buying into any cultural authorities that define what is special and what is inadequate. It is uniquely mine, and when I brought it home, I nailed it to the floor. I enjoy it every day.” 

The call of specialness can cause us, as parents, to impose our own dreams, wishes, and hopes onto the Child. When we project onto the Child that they must accomplish prescribed achievements (be a doctor, great athlete, musician) or be who we are not, it reveals our lack of unconditional love for our Child Self and those parts of us that were unheard, unseen, and disappointed. When we integrate love of our Child Self into our being, we will stop damaging the Child by placing them on a pedestal with the pressure to be special. 

When we hold the Child or Child Self to a standard of specialness, we can create an inflated ego that aggressively forces itself into life, damaging the True Self, others, and at times even the world. The inflated ego knows deep inside that there is something wrong. As good as it may feel to be the one on whom the sun shines brightest, it also feels false. It is simply not possible to find a mirror that constantly reflects that inflation in daily life or in relationships with others. 

In the Cosmic Way I-Ching, the authors refer to the Child and Child Self having to be special as being damaging and consider this a block to a harmonious life. We need to teach the Child and reassure the Child Self that every one of us is unique.  

Specialness can create superior and inferior feelings among siblings, cousins, and other family members that often do not go away. The fissures (such as destruction to self-esteem and jealousy) in families and relationships are often unconscious and unhealthy. 

When I was a little girl of eight, I trucked upstairs in my grandparents’ house to my uncle’s old bedroom with my bags of art supplies. It was Hanukah that evening, and I had the whole afternoon to do my magic. I had seen a picture in Women’s Day magazine of a collage with seeds, peas, and beans glued onto cardboard. With love and care, I made my Zayda (grandfather) a collage of his beloved sport, bowling. 

I added my gift to the pile. The loud buzz in the room blocked out my sense and memory of being singled out with praise for what I had made, but I did indeed receive it. In our family, it was not typical for children to give gifts to the adults, let alone to make them. 

I had unintentionally rendered myself special. My cousins were jealous—understandably so, given the burden of striving for specialness in our culture. It reinforced their feelings of inadequacy, arising from their own injuries and left me isolated and suffering from their put downs and teasing. 

Had the adults been aware that the other little ones were feeling inadequate, they could have turned the message of specialness into uniqueness and found ways to reinforce my cousins’ self-esteem. This would have mitigated the need to compete, wound, or tease. 

Specialness is a hierarchical concept that can only be met with feelings of inadequacy— “I am not good enough.”  When we come up against the enculturated inner voice that says, “I am not special, I am not good enough,” it is a good practice to remember and recite your unique qualities—the ones we are each born with. 

To the Child you are raising:

“I see you love the way your friend sings and you don’t feel you can do that and that hurts. Maybe you can’t sing like her, but you can sing like you. And every day I see that your love of music is like no one else’s, no one else can hear or love music as you do. That is your unique gift, your way of singing and your way of hearing.”

Don’t forget to say to the Child Self: 

“Your self-criticism is not your fault; we are all told we have to be special, better, and more than others. This is not the truth and dishonors and hurts the True Self, in this case the one that loves to sing.”