The Inner No and Saying Yes

We say the Inner No to messages coming from ourselves and others that tell us we aren’t worthy. When we teach the Child or Child Self to say the Inner No, we give them the ability to take a huge pause in the psyche—a pause of kindness yet firmness.

For many years, I have studied with the authors of The Cosmic Way I-Ching, teachers Carol Anthony and Hanna Moog. In their writing, they share a practice that they call “saying the inner NO.”  I have found this practice to be an amazing way to move negative thinking, feeling, and messaging out of the psyche. 

This practice enables us to become conscious of the negative and destructive things we tell ourselves and hold onto and helps us release this damaging energy. The Inner No can also protect us from harmful messaging coming from others. In effect, it is a process of deprogramming. I have used the Inner No for clients as young as seven. 

“Saying the Inner No is a cosmic principle having the cosmic function to transform discordant situations by removing their disturbing components in the atomic realm, a realm of consciousness. Saying the Inner No is the most direct and correct way to deprogram all active aspects of collective and individual egos in one’s self and others. It deletes the individual phrases and images that have been taken into the psyche which make up the ego and give rise to ego emotions. It deletes the mistaken ideas and beliefs we have formerly said yes to, either consciously or unconsciously. We say it to each of the ego’s phrases and images as they are brought into our consciousness, usually with the help of the sage (spiritual guide, not a person).” 

Loving oneself no matter what anyone else feels or says about us is a difficult thing to teach the Child and to re-instill in the Child Self. When we try to do this on our own, we can actually connect or reconnect to the critical voice inside of us: “How can I love myself when I am not 

loved by others” . . .”What is so special about me that I am lovable”. . . .“Where do I come off trying to love myself no matter what”. . . . “They don’t like me, how can I like me.” 

We say the Inner No to messages coming from ourselves and others that tell us we aren’t worthy. When we teach the Child or Child Self to say the Inner No, we give them the ability to take a huge pause in the psyche—a pause of kindness yet firmness. It’s a moment to recognize that “something is off here and I am saying no to it and waiting (perhaps) until later to figure it out.” Being aware that something feels “off” is like walking into a room and sensing that “something smells fishy here,” as the expression goes. It is about using our instincts, without evaluation or analysis and acting protectively first.  

Micah was 12 when I began working with him. He was super bright and emotionally intelligent, and lived in a very stressful family situation. In school he had friends but was increasingly disturbed by the emerging competitive and divisive social dynamics among the boys. Mostly he was confused about who he could trust. 

We talked about the Inner No and I shared this: “Trust your feelings when someone is doing or saying something that seems wrong or unfair to you. Say the Inner No to it, say it repeatedly, and get out of the situation and away from those who are involved. If you need to, you can use a distraction like “I have to call mom” or “A teacher wants to see me.” No matter how much doubt you have, keep saying No to it. Watch it fade into perspective–it works.”

We all suffer from damaging messages related to body image that are embedded in our culture and society. They are pervasive, they begin in childhood, and can last a lifetime. Even if you are raised in a family that consciously fights the imposition of the “perfect body” on you, you will at some time feel the unreasonable critical voice of “just not good enough.” In these situations, the Inner No can be a gift to the Adult Self by taking care of the Child Self who has been injured by that negativity. 

To the Child Self you might say:

“Little one, I am right here to tell you No, no you are not fat or too skinny, you are not ugly or imperfect. You are you. I wonder who made you feel this way? Right now, the answer doesn’t matter, just say the Inner No to it. You might feel the this again, that’s ok. Say No whenever it comes up.” 

While this may seem simplistic, imagine what it would have been like if you had been given this message when you were 9:

“That person is just wrong for criticizing you. Don’t listen to them, love yourself, you are beautiful, I think you are beautiful!” 

Or something like this: 

“I get you want to be friends with those girls and for whatever reason they are excluding you. They are wrong, they are missing out.” 

These are positive messages and are far better than blaming yourself for what is being said or having the adult in your life confirm the message, e.g., “You know, you could afford to lose some weight” or “What are you doing that makes them not like you?”  

Now imagine what it would have felt like to hear something like this: 

“That’s awful, I believe that anyone who would say such a mean thing, or do such a mean thing to you, has problems that have nothing to do with you. But I know it feels awful. I know you wonder whether they are right and that makes you feel bad about yourself. 

The first thing you do is say NO to it, I mean say NO out loud, if you need to and keep saying No to those messages in your mind. It is very powerful to say No to things like that. It will make you strong. You don’t even have to figure out what you are going to do next or worry about how you will feel tomorrow, just say No to it. “No – not true- not right- not good, No!” I know it works. First things first, recognize the false message and get it out of your head, and your heart”.

At some point in your childhood and certainly in adulthood, you needed your Child Self to know how to say the Inner No. Saying it is empowering, it reinforces our agency and builds trust in our instincts.

Parents can support the development of the Inner No:

“Going through the “No phase” for the two-year old child is a natural phase of development. However, not all the child’s No’s are natural. During this time, the parent needs to distinguish the No that comes from the child’s true feelings, and respect it. If simply to have his way, the parent overrides such a No, instead of respecting it, the child will then start saying No to everything, to show his frustration that his feelings are not being heard and validated. This can be the beginning of the child’s distrust in the effectiveness of saying No. When the child begins to say No to everything, the parent’s job is to retreat into inner neutrality, get in touch with his innermost feelings, and follow them. The parent’s inner neutrality enables him to act from inner truth, halts the developing ego within the child, and allows his true feelings to emerge.” 

The beauty of using the Inner No is that on the other side of it is the Yes. 

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Poem 126: God Says Yes To Me

by Kaylin Haught

I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic

And she said yes

I asked her if it was ok to be short

And she said it sure is

I asked her if I could wear nail polish

Or not wear nail polish

And she said honey

She calls me that sometimes

she said you can do just exactly 

what you want to do

Thanks God I said

And is it even okay if I don’t paragraph 

my letters 

Sweatcakes God said

who knows where she picked that up

what I am telling you is

Yes Yes Yes 

 Kaylin Haught, The Palm of your Hand, Tilbury House Publishers, 1995.

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Saying Yes to yourself as an Adult is not always easy. We tend to fear that we are being selfish and self-centered or we spiral into self -sacrifice and over-service to the detriment of our True Self. First, we must become aware of what we say Yes to and what we deny ourselves. Ultimately, we want give ourselves permission to Say No so we can say Yes. 

In raising a Child and giving permission to the Child Self, we say Yes. I believe in Yes parenting. Essentially, we say, “Yes, yes, yes,” until we have to say no. “Yes, you can wear an inside out T-shirt, yes you can stay home instead of going to that party if you don’t want to, yes you can be ok as you are.” If you’re doing your own work, you can say yes with clarity and consciousness. Why not say yes? You are not going to keep the Child and Child Self safe by saying no. You are going to keep them safe and help them by teaching them how to discern when to say their own “NO.” You won’t lose their respect, regard, or trust when you say yes. 

And it’s better to say “yes – and” rather than “yes-but.” When you say “yes and” you are saying yes to the ideas of the Child and the Child Self, to their inspiration, and their energies, and you can still provide them with necessary boundaries. Say yes to their need for boundaries. Say yes to their need for containment. 

Teach the Child you are raising how to say an Inner No and, when necessary, say it out loud. Teach the Child Self that it is and was ok to say an inner NO. This opens the door to saying yes to the Adult Self as well.