Touch

Touch your child, affectionately, playfully, appropriately, and frequently. But ask first. 

I am one of those people who likes to be hugged, touched, and physically comforted. But only to a degree. I have to know it’s coming and I want to be able to say “no thank you.” I also want to ask for what I want when I need touch. 

Touch is a basic human need and for the most part is given and received well. But, as we know, touch can also be the source of great harm.  It saddens me that we need to worry about whether our children will be touched inappropriately, even by family members. That’s why it’s important to teach our children to know and to say what touch feels good to them and what doesn’t. When we, as parents, ask the Child for permission to touch them and respect their preference, we are teaching them that they have the right to bodily autonomy.  

Touch your child, affectionately, playfully, appropriately, and frequently. But ask first. Even an infant should be asked, or at least given a heads up: “I am going to hug you, kiss you, cuddle you, tickle you.” You’ll know if the touch is desired and welcomed by how it is received. 

This also means we need to pay attention to our own motivations for touching the child. Is this a touch that you desire, you need?  Is this a touch your Child Self is asking for?  If it’s your or your Child Self’s need, it is not your Child’s job to fulfill it. It is ok to need touch, but definitely pause first to ask an honest question: “I could use a hug, is that ok?” 

And allow for your Child and your Child Self to say “no.” If your Child does not want or need your touch at that moment, let that be.

In the supermarket I have often seen adults with friendly intentions touch a random child’s hair. How sweet to see them tussle the curls of a lovely little one. If only it was that simple. This is not something you would tolerate as an adult. If a stranger touched our hair, you would and should experience a host of reactions and stop it.  There can even be racial implications in touching someone’s hair. Many Black people are offended by having others touch or ask to touch their hair, treating it as a novelty and in the public domain. Even asking is an insult.

 A Child will usually cringe when someone reaches out to touch them. Your response: 

“We have taught our child that people need to ask for permission to touch them. Even we, as the parents, ask before we touch them. Since we don’t know you, we say please do not. We welcome smiles and talk, but not a touch from strangers.” 

We are teaching the Child that not only are they protected but that human contact has to be earned and it is earned through consideration, respect, and safety. 

When the Child Self tells you that something is wrong, that they feel unsafe with the touch that is happening, it’s a time to comfort them and to listen carefully. 

“Little one, whatever you feel, I respect it, I will end this situation. You always can say no to touch, and if you need touch, you can also always hug yourself, here I will show you how…” 

Even a tickle attack, even one that results in laughter, might create discomfort and insecurity if it was not wanted, or when saying “stop” does not end it.  Playing around physically can be great  even if it looks from the outside like rough housing, but there should always be agreement. The agreement about respectful touching is what is important. It is up to the adult on the scene to stop touch that is not wanted or not well-received. In so doing, we are modeling how to protect the Child’s right to give or withhold permission and reassuring the Child Self that they had the right all along, even if it was never granted to them.